Chapter 2

David was digging in the back corner of the closet when Amanda interrupted him.

“How was work?”

“Oh, umm…” David struggled to sound casual and was pretty sure he failed miserably. “You know, fed the animals, fixed the displays the boss screwed up, didn’t see a single customer all day, the usual.”

“Uh-huh,” Amanda said, her voice already getting that far-away sound that suggested David was becoming less of a focus and more of a distraction.

“We ended up with a rabbit, somehow,” David said, trying to recapture her attention. “Not sure what Mr. Selzer will do with it if we don’t sell it soon.”

If Amanda had been a cat, her ears would have just perked up.

She would be kinda cute with cat ears…

“A rabbit?” Amanda said, interrupting his budding fantasy. “What kind of rabbit?”

“A little white rabbit,” David said.

“Is it soft and fluffy?”

Play it casual. You have to play it casual.

“I guess, if you’re into that kind of thing.”

He couldn’t help but feel a little insulted; Amanda’s eyes had never gotten so big over him. The jealousy was quickly replaced with fear, and he prayed she never asked him to dress up in a bunny suit for her. He had to draw the line somewhere… Hopefully his girlfriend would allow him to draw lines, but he doubted it.

“Maybe I’ll have to stop by the store tomorrow and see this rabbit for myself,” she said.

Yes! Something else she can torture besides me! Thank you, god! Thank you!

“If you really want.”

Piles of his junk in the closet shifted and threatened an avalanche. Wherever the wooden box had shifted to, he didn’t seem to be able to reach it.

“Come on, hon, there’s something I need your help with,” Amanda cooed, pulling David away from the closet.

He really hoped she remembered to stop by his store, tomorrow.

“Don’t freak her out,” David said. “And don’t do anything weird. Maybe don’t do anything at all.”

“I’m a rabbit; I’m not stupid.”

David couldn’t argue with that; between the two of them, Mano seemed to be the smart one.

The door opened and the little jingling death knell sounded.

“Hi honey!”

“Err… hi,” he said, not at all used to having a girlfriend visit him at work. He usually tried very hard to keep her the hell out of the store.

“All right, show me the bunny,” she said, still all smiles. It was creeping David out.

Is this really your girlfriend?

Yes. Why?

I didn’t expect her to be so… attractive.

David forced a smile, trying to ignore Mano.

“What is that?” Amanda asked, pointing at a cage behind the glass.

David glanced at the slavering beast with horns and red eyes.

“Oh, that? That’s a Devil Dog. Don’t look at it too long; a few customers have burned their retinas that way.”

Amanda quickly turned away from the creature and David steered her toward the rabbit cage.

“Here it is,” he said, pushing his shaggy hair off his forehead. He felt like a kid on his first date, or like a guy who was trying to pawn his girlfriend off on someone else.

Wow… Nice tits.

Suddenly, David was regretting his decision.

She’s a cuddler, right?

Yeah, this was definitely a bad idea.

“I wouldn’t get too close to it,” David said, his words tripping over one another on their race to leave his mouth. “The boss thinks it might have Bunny Ebola.”

Amanda looked up at him, and he felt like a stupid two-year-old who had just said something that would land him in the time-out corner. He worried his face was melting it felt so hot.

“That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard,” she said. Her gaze flicked down to his chest for a moment. “Vid.”

“What?!” David pulled his shirt out so he could see his name tag. The “D” and “A” had been scratched into oblivion, and now he was “VID.”

Vid, huh?

Shut. Up.

“Fucking Rodney,” David said. “When did he even—“

“I want the rabbit,” Amanda said.

“Mano,” David said without thinking.

Shit. What is wrong with me?

“What?” Amanda said, looking more confused than usual.

“Errr… His name is Mano,” David said.

Her face lit up and with a huge smile that was usually reserved for things like diamonds and romantic comedies.

“You already named it!” she said. “You do like it.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“I’m surprised you chose such an exotic name,” Amanda continued. “You don’t hear that one very often.”

“You recognize it?”

“Well, sure. It’s Hawaiian.”

Oooh, I like her ass, too.

David forced a smile. It was very difficult.

I’ve let my girlfriend take home a rabid, rapist rabbit.

David was slumped over the counter, his head in his hands. He hadn’t stopped sulking since Amanda left.

I am a terrible boyfriend.

He glanced at the clock. He still had another hour before he could leave work.

I need a drink, he thought, and his guilt quickly kicked him in his metaphorical ass. No, no, I need to go home and check on Amanda.

“David, have you taken the Devil Dog for a walk?” Selzer shouted from his office.

David sighed and picked up the leash he kept behind the counter.

Fuck it. I definitely need a drink.

After work, he walked across the street, almost went into Tossers, and then decided to go a few doors east to the fast food joint, Fried Fare. (The chain used to be called Fast ‘n Fried, but a class action lawsuit was filed claiming that half of the name was a lie: the food was fried, but it never arrived fast. Fast ‘n Fried settled and changed the name to Fried Fare. They also stopped serving milkshakes, just in case. All fried foods, no lies.) He ordered a burger and fries; what they served him was large mounds of grease that only marginally resembled a burger and fries. He devoured it like an earthquake swallowing a city, hurrying so he could quit punishing his stomach and get to punishing his liver.

“You let her get a pet?”

“It’s just a rabbit,” David said.

“But… you hate animals.”

David didn’t answer, so he shrugged and took another swig of beer. Rodney, having nothing to reply to, followed suit.

“I don’t hate hate animals,” David said. Rodney gave him a look that implied he was about to say something disagreeing and vulgar, so David hurried to say something first. “Anyway, I think she gets lonely during the day.”

“If she gets lonely, she can come visit me,” Rodney said. “I sit in a booth alone for hours.”

“No.”

“She—“

“You’ve told me too many stories about girls giving you head from under the desk,” David said. “Amanda’s mouth is off limits.

“What about—“

“The rest of her is off limits, too.”

Rodney smiled and winked at a passing waitress.

“Is she new?”

“Not when you get through with her,” David said. He looked down into his beer and sighed inwardly. He tried not to sigh audibly in Rodney’s presence; it would only lead to ridicule.

David felt something soft press into his shoulder.

“Need another round of beer, boys?”

David looked up over his shoulder and nearly stuck his nose in their waitress’s cleavage.

“Uh…”

Rodney watched David, waiting to see if his friend would get his voice back. He knew it wasn’t going to happen, but he liked to watch David squirm.

“Yes, dear,” Rodney finally said. “Yes we do.”

The waitress smiled and bounced away. At least, the part David was watching bounced; the rest of her was out of focus.

“Make sure to leave her a good tip,” Rodney said.

“Uh-huh…”

“And don’t drool on her. She’s the only waitress that doesn’t try to push us out the door when we’re legless.”

The waitress had been out of sight for more than twenty seconds, so David returned his attention to Rodney.

“You think she’s okay with that rabbit?” David said. The switch that kept his thoughts from automatically leaving his mouth had momentarily malfunctioned; that happens when a guy’s brain is swimming in gallons of watered-down alcohol.

“What?” Rodney looked at him like he was an alien. Or a drunk. Maybe a drunk alien. “Are you thinking of Alice in Wonderland? You’re not plastered already, are you?”

David shook his head, realized that was a terrible idea when he felt his brain crash into his skull, and said, “No, sorry. I’m good.”

“Well, don’t go all unhinged on me. It’d be a sodding pain in the ass to find a new mate to drink with.”

David was surprised when two new mugs of beer appeared on the table.

“Here you go, boys.”

The waitress brushed against him again while she was leaning over the table, and this time David felt his face flush. Rodney smirked at him the way only a confident womanizer can.

Dammit. How big a tip does she want?

“Amanda?”

David crept through the front door, each creak of the floor a spiteful thunderclap in the silence of the apartment. He wanted to ask Amanda how the day went, but at the same time, he didn’t want to wake her up if she was asleep. He did a silent prayer that she was asleep and would stay that way.

“Amanda?” he said again, even less audible this time.

Are you always this pathetic?

God dammit, why aren’t you asleep?

There was a pause.

Mano?

Your brain is a jumbled jigsaw when you’re drunk. It’s not easy to pick out a thought in that swimming mess of incoherence.

Is that an insult?

Another pause.

Yes, it was an insult.

David looked around the living room.

Where are you?

David waited through the pause, which doubled in length, and then tripled. It was a very long pause.

Where Are You? David thought slower and more forcefully.

I heard you the first time.

…Well?

Your girlfriend is curled up with me like I’m a teddy bear, and don’t you dare move me.

David sighed. He was tired and exasperated and drunk, and all of that added up to him just not caring right now.

I was happy to find out they’re as soft as they loo—

David pictured a door slamming in his head, but he was pretty sure it wouldn’t be that easy. He had brought an evil telepathetic rabbit into his home, and now it was going to spend the rest of its life burrowed in his mind.

Telepathic. The word is telepathic.

Shut Up!

The pet store was quiet. Well, the animals still made their usual annoying noises, but in a more philosophic sense, it was quiet.

David nursed his hangover in blessed silence.

“David!”

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

“David, we have a new shipment coming in today.”

David made a guttural noise in response and followed his boss to the back door. The sunshine burst through the vacant doorway and stabbed his eyes with hot pokers. He squinted, cursed the sun and every living thing on this earth, and began helping the men on the truck unload the Styrofoam boxes. He groaned inwardly; Styrofoam boxes meant aquatic creatures, and aquatic creatures were a pain in the ass. He cursed the boxes for not being silent when they landed on the floor; his skull was a giant cavern of pain, and every sound echoed with bone-cracking reverberations. The people who invented boxes deserved to die.

Once the boxes were off the truck, David turned to Selzer.

“Did you know this shipment would be aquatic?”

“Yeah,” Selzer said. “Didn’t I tell you to prepare an aquarium?”

“No, sir, you didn’t.”

“Oh. Well, you better get on that.”

David hoped the creatures would be okay in their boxes for a little while longer. Then he remembered he hated every living thing on this earth and hoped the creatures would die while he prepared the tank. He glanced at the boxes and realized he should know what it was he was hating. He lifted the lid and peered inside.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me.”

They were Sea Monkeys. Not the brine shrimp. No, these were green, smaller than the palm of his hand, and had webbed hands and feet. The boxes contained actual amphibious monkeys.

David raised an eyebrow. “This is obvious, yet sad at the same time.”

Scientists had a weird sense of humor. He really hoped they didn’t get taxpayer money to fund this shit.

Having a hangover meant it took twice as long to clean out and prepare a tank, and three times as long to catch each Sea Monkey in his net and plunk it in its new home.

He trudged back to the boss’s office and peered in.

“Sir?” David asked. “What should I price these as?”

“Hmmm, Sea Monkeys,” Selzer said, as if he hadn’t already decided on something extortionate.

The problem with Selzer pricing the animals in the store was that, like most people in charge of businesses, he didn’t understand that customers aren’t willing to pay whatever the price, no matter how high. The store actually used to sell animals, but then Selzer had this great idea to advertise. That was fine, but he had to raise the prices to pay for the ads. Because the prices were higher, customers bought less, and because customers bought less, Selzer raised the prices even higher. Then, customers went from buying less to buying nothing. Selzer kept raising the prices, because somehow not selling something that cost fifty dollars was more profitable than not selling something that cost thirty dollars.

Basically, Selzer turned what could have been a short-term problem into a long-term one, as so many businesses insist upon doing. David must not have understood business, because he thought the whole thing was asinine.

“How about fifty dollars?”

“Fifty dollars for one?” The fog of David’s hangover parted just enough for his mind to accurately grasp the number. “Sir, nobody is going to pay fifty dollars for one Sea Monkey.”

“No other store has Sea Monkeys.”

Other stores don’t have any of our animals, and they still have something we don’t: customers.

But David didn’t say that. Instead, he nodded gently and went back to the shop room. As he got ready to make a sign for the Sea Monkey tank, he found himself missing the extra voice in the shop. Mano would have something funny to say about the Sea Monkeys.

Yes, and he would also crack my skull open with that annoying voice of his, David thought.

Still, the store seemed even more boring than usual.

Obviously, he wasn’t getting drunk enough. He needed to step up his game.

David was still hung over when he left work and returned to his apartment, and he was devastatingly unprepared for his girlfriend’s good mood.

“He is so cute!”

He never knew Amanda’s voice could rake on his brain like a cheese grater, and she didn’t usually squeal.

She mauled David with a rib-cracking hug, thanking him for letting her get a pet. He was pretty sure if her voice reached a higher pitch, it would shatter glass. Possibly, it would shatter his brain, too. David mentally crossed his fingers and hoped for the worst.

Since she hadn’t seen him after work yesterday, Amanda showed David where Mano’s things were located. If David’s head weren’t on the verge of collapsing, he might have been impressed that his girlfriend was actually being responsible with her new pet. She had bought food and water bowls, a litter box, hay, food pellets…

“Wait, where is its cage?”

“What?” she said, feigning surprise. “Silly, Mano doesn’t need a cage.”

“Uhhh… yes, yes he does.”

Don’t be an asshole!

“You need—I mean, he… he needs a cage.”

Amanda pouted dramatically, leaning over to show more cleavage as she did so. Girls didn’t play fair.

“Fine,” he said, making sure he sounded as put out as humanly possible and then some. “Just don’t let him make a mess of the place. I clean up after animals at work; I’m not going to do it at home, too.”

She squealed happily and bounced up and down for good measure. Between the squealing, the bouncing, and the rabbit, David’s brain was about to explode in an amazing display of pain and lust.

He fell back on the couch and sank into the cushions, burying his head in decorative pillows. A moment later, Mano hopped up and landed on his chest.

“Aw, he likes you!”

Fuck off.

You first.