Chapter 19

Walker’s Holy Church of Holiness offered people the best salvation around and only asked for twice as many donations. Despite its lavish promises, the church itself was a modest white building containing simple wooden pews and a podium. The service on this fine Sunday evening was packed with worshippers; more and more people were interested in the salvation only Walker could offer. After all, his offering was special.

Walker’s congregation surrounded him in holy wonderment.

“And these signs shall follow them that believe: In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18”

His flock of sheep held on to his every word; it didn’t seem to matter to them that he was only quoting scripture. They were rapt listeners, eager to be closer to this man who was obviously a personal friend of God.

Walker continued. “Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19”

He held the magnificent green snake above his head.

“Paul gathered a pile of brushwood and, as he put it on the fire, a viper, driven out by the heat, fastened itself on his hand… But Paul shook the snake off into the fire and suffered no ill effects. Acts 28:3–5.”

The snake’s nine heads hissed in unison.

The crowd oohed and aahed at Walker’s miracle. He held this nine-headed snake and it did not bite him. No one bothered to ask if it was even a venomous snake; it looked impressive, and that was all that mattered.

Walker had spent a good amount of money on the Hydra, but it had been worth it. Since buying it, the size of his congregation had increased tenfold. Everyone wanted to watch God favor Walker with His divine protection. Before bringing it to the church, Walker had it tested to see if it was venomous, which it wasn’t, so he knew that even if he was bit, he would be perfectly fine other than the puncture wounds. Maybe his followers would be even more impressed if the Hydra bit him; they might think it akin to drinking arsenic and surviving.

True to Walker’s proclamation, the Hydra did not bite him. It did, however, spit fire at him. As he screamed, the creature breathed flames at the nearest members of Walker’s flock. This led to more screaming.

The panicked crowd stampeded for the exit like sheep threatened by the inferno. Luckily, the only ones hurt in the rush were the pews. The pews still felt like they got off easy, though, because at least they weren’t set ablaze, unlike the unfortunate humans writhing on the ground turning crispy.

A few members reached the door and, safely out of the line of fire, turned back around, taking out their mobiles to record what happened next. Horrible things happening to yourself was bad; horrible things happening to other people was entertainment worthy of posting online.

That evening’s service ended early, with Walker and eight members of his congregation nowhere to be found. The Hydra, however, seemed quite content at its podium.

“We must not put Christ to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents.” First Corinthians 10:9.

David grabbed a stack of newspapers and headed to the cages. He had gotten pretty good at cleaning using mostly his left hand. He’d had to get good at pretty much everything using mostly his left hand, though there were still some tasks he had yet to master (writing, brushing his teeth, jerking off).

He reached for the first newspaper and was about to place it in the cage when Mano began laughing in his head.

What the hell?

The newspaper! Mano couldn’t stop laughing. Look at the newspaper.

David had long ago learned to tune out the newspaper’s contents. The crinkly pages were for catching animal droppings, nothing more. They rarely had any news he cared about. He could check movie times online.

One of the smaller headlines at the bottom of the newspaper read, “Minister and Worshippers Eaten by Nine-Headed Snake.” According to The Almost-Daily Times, some crazy who ran a snake-handling church had been eaten, along with eight members of his congregation, by his treasured nine-headed serpent.

“Mr. Selzer,” David called out.

His boss came over to see what the fuss was. “Yeah?”

“The guy who bought the Hydra… do we still have the waiver he signed?”

“Yeah, it’s somewhere around here.”

David held up the newspaper. “I think we’re gonna need it.”

It’s not a horsie; it’s a knight, and it moves in an ‘L’ pattern.

David was confused, which was quite a normal state for him. “L pattern?”

For example, from g1 to f3, or if there were no pawn there, from g1 to e2.

“Even with the pawns in place, I can move the horsie—“

Knight.

“—horsie knight to f3?”

Mano sighed. Yes. The knight can jump over other pieces, and it’s the only piece that can.

“The pawns can’t jump over stuff?”

Except for its first move, it can only move one square forward. What the hell is it going to jump over?

David fiddled with the white queen pawn on the board. “Well, then what’s the point of them?”

What do you mean?

“It doesn’t seem like they really do anything. Mostly, they get in the way of the pointy ones—”

Bishops.

“Whatever. The pawns are useless.”

The pawns may be weak, but they’re important for strategic game play. You just have to know how to manipulate them and when to sacrifice them.

“When do you sacrifice one?”

When it’s advantageous. When it saves a stronger piece. When a pawn threatens to become a weakness. After all, poor placement on the board can be costly. In the end game, a weak pawn can prove fatal.

“Can I just sacrifice them all at the beginning?”

Only if you’re an idiot. You’d be left with no defense.

“They’re in the way.”

Sometimes they are. A well played pawn can be invaluable, whereas a weak pawn can prove fatal. It’s important to know when a pawn loses its value; even I’ve made the mistake of keeping the wrong pawn.

David paused. “So, if you fuck up and manipulate a pawn poorly, it can get you killed.”

Don’t be an asshole, David. No one’s perfect.

“You started it.”

Mano attempted to demonstrate good pawn structure versus poor pawn structure, but it was slow going. Mostly, David just saw new ways his other pieces were blocked. Their usefulness became clearer as he began to better visualize which squares the pawns guarded.

“I guess even a pawn can be helpful if you use it correctly.”

Exactly. See, David? You’re finally learning.

The End