Chapter 10

David stared dismally at his computer screen. Every once in a while he moved the mouse, just so he felt productive. It was a technique used in cubicles the world over.

He went to his closet to dig out his grandfather’s knives and remind himself that life could be worse. His grandfather hadn’t worried about web design; his grandfather had fought for his life behind enemy lines. After twenty minutes of digging, he accepted that this was his grandfather’s message from the grave to quit procrastinating and get back to work.

David sat back down at the computer, moved the mouse a little, and sighed dramatically in defeat.

“What am I going to do about making a portfolio?”

“Why are you asking me?” Mano said. “I don’t know shit about CVs and websites.”

“But, you’re smart—“

“They did not teach me HTML at the lab,” Mano said, a sharp edge to his voice.

“What did happen at the lab?” David said, seeing a possible distraction and grabbing for it. “You never talk about it.”

“I didn’t think you’d be interested in gene splicing and the results of chromosomal—“

“Not like that,” David interrupted. “I mean, how did you end up at Bob’s Pets? You can talk; that seems like a scientific success to me.”

“You’re not a biological engineer.”

David waited, and Mano, bored with talk of websites and job prospects, gave in.

“Fine,” he said. “They didn’t know I could talk.”

“What? How?”

“Because I never talked to them.”

“Couldn’t you talk yet?”

“Of course,” Mano said. “I just chose not to.”

David thought about it for a minute. “But—“

“Don’t think about it too hard,” Mano said. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

David waited; Mano broke the silence first.

“I didn’t want to stay at the lab.”

“Why not? You’d be able to talk about all your sciency stuff there.”

“They thought I was intellectually inferior,” Mano said. “I could have solved the mysteries of the universe, and they still would have seen me as their lesser.”

“Oh,” he said. David couldn’t think of anything else to say; this was the first time Mano had ever confided in him. It was weird. He wasn’t used to it at all.

The next question occurred to David and he broke the silence.

“Okay, I can understand all that,” he said. “But… why me?”

“Well, if you think I’m intellectually inferior, it’s not insulting—just funny.”

“That’s not what I meant,” David said, brushing Mano’s slight aside. “I hate animals. Why talk to me?”

“You know all those customers your store gets?”

“What customers?”

“Exactly.”

The next day at the store, Selzer seemed to be watching David more closely than usual. Like most employees, David found that the more the boss was involved, the less work he completed. It was an inverse correlation that meant the boss’s time was better spent in his office, being neither seen nor heard.

What does he want? David wondered as he cleaned out the cages. I’m doing my work.

I think he wants those fliers.

Dammit, David thought. I had forgotten about those.

What? It’s only been one—You know what, never mind. If you want, we can switch early today, so I can finish those fliers and get Selzer off your back.

That’s not too much? You’re not going to burn out if you’re drawing this afternoon and this evening?

I’ll make sure to take a break.

David thought of all the different ways he could kill his boss while he finished cleaning the cages. As soon as the creatures were back in and fed, David let Mano take over.

Mano finished putting the fliers together and showed them to the boss. Selzer was pleased with the results, especially since he was paying a lot less than he would for a professional designer.

He spent the rest of the time drawing bird-mice in David’s sketchbook. The moment the clock struck five, Mano was out the door and on the bus. It smelled worse now that the air wasn’t filtered through David’s backpack. David needed a raise, already, so he could get his damn car fixed.

He’d filled enough pages in the store that his work for the night was done. Mano tossed the sketchbook on the couch and headed straight for the bedroom.

Amanda giggled as he popped the buttons on her blouse one by one. “What about dinner?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Mano said. It’ll be David’s problem in the morning.

In the kitchen, David the rabbit nibbled on its hay.

A few hours later, the couple in the bedroom stopped to take a short break. Mano didn’t get tired, but Amanda did.

Her head on Mano’s chest, it took Amanda a moment to catch her breath, but when she did she began doing that thing all girls love to do: talking.

“You really should show your art off,” Amanda said. “Get it out there.”

“No,” he said. “I don’t think I’m ready, yet.”

“A friend of a friend of mine works at a gallery…”

“It’s not good enough,” Mano lied. “It still needs work.”

“Oh, honey,” Amanda said, curling up against him. “You’re too hard on yourself. Your work is amazing.”

“Your friends will never like it,” he said, every word carefully chosen. “I still have a long way to go before I’ll be good enough for you.”

“Honey, don’t think that! I love you, and my friends will love your art just as much as I do.”

Mano didn’t need to be a mind reader to know what she’d do next.

Rule Four in the Art of Negotiation: Use all the tools at your disposal.

God I’m tired, David thought. And it feels like I haven’t eaten for days.

That’s an exaggeration.

David checked himself in the mirror and splashed cold water on his face.

Everything went okay yesterday?

Sure. I even took a break, just like I said I would.

David arrived at the store only to have Selzer immediately send him out to have copies made of the fliers. The great thing about copy services is six out of the seven copiers are broken and three out of the three employees are too busy pretending to look busy to help. It took David ten minutes to figure out why some of the fliers had black fingerprints smeared on them; when he glanced at his hands the mystery was finally solved. It took another five minutes to wash the ink off.

David arrived back at Bob’s Pets just in time to have Selzer ask what took him so long.

The boss’s next order of business was to have David put up the fliers in the outside world.

“Um… Mr. Selzer?

Selzer sighed. “Yes, David?”

“What if we actually do get customers?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well…” David wasn’t quite sure how to proceed. “Even the people who do come into the store never buy anything.”

“Because they’re not customers,” Selzer said matter-of-factly.

“Well, no, but none of the new customers, er, non-customers, will be customers either.”

Selzer raised an eyebrow.

Hmm, that’s interesting, Mano thought at him. You seem to naturally understand optimal business practices, but you’re incapable of properly articulating your ideas.

What?

Your communication skills are shit.

What should I do?

Hire an interpreter.

David waited.

Mano sighed in his head. Tell him that the price of the animals outweighs any demand that might exist.

“Uh… the price of our animals, it, er… it outweighs any demand that might, um, exist.”

Selzer looked impressively unconvinced.

The fliers will be a waste of money if you don’t sell anything.

“The fliers will be a waste of money if we don’t sell stuff.”

Selzer frowned. He didn’t like hearing the words “waste” and “money” in the same sentence.

“We have to make a profit,” Selzer said.

That fucking idio—DON’T YOU DARE REPEAT THAT OUT LOUD.

“Er…”

He doesn’t pay a dime for the animals; Vyo-GenetiX covers most of the expenses. Everything this store sells is a profit for Selzer, but because it doesn’t sell anything, he pays to take care of the animals and LOSES money on every one that dies. TELL HIM THAT.

David struggled to repeat what Mano said. It took a lot of stuttering and back-tracking, but he managed. Mostly.

“I don’t have to—“

“If you don’t agree to lower the prices,” David said, finally growing a pair, “I will call Vyo-GenetiX and tell them what’s going on here and why nothing sells. They need this store; they don’t need you.”

Selzer’s face turned red. He stuttered. He tried to think of a rebuttal but failed to come up with one. He tried to say something, anything, but failed at getting a single word out. Finally, he succeeded in turning around and stomping back to his office.

That was a yes. Now go fix the signs.

David adjusted the prices of the animals before leaving the store. He hung the fliers around the area and even bought some coffee to help ingratiate himself at the local hangouts. A lot of people he talked to had no idea Bob’s Pets even existed. This made David happy; it meant no one had an existing opinion that he had to change. Like Mano had said, David wasn’t very good at negotiation or explaining things or the art of persuasion. In fact, David was barely good at forming sentences, sometimes.

It also worried David a bit that customers at the places right next door to Bob’s Pets, Hot and Ready and Molded Sandwiches, didn’t know Bob’s Pets existed. Across the street from Molded Sandwiches was Buzzzz; David bought a Fiberlicious Green Mint Shake, which tasted nothing like mint, a little green, and mostly like sawdust. He only managed to drink a couple sips; after that, he just pretended to drink it while he chatted with the customers.

Walking west down the street, David passed Apology Bouquets, Pie’d Piper, and then the travel agency, Never Coming Back. He considered going into the travel agency to see what his options were, but given that he had maybe five dollars in his name he figured his options were probably pretty limited.

He made sure he traveled a few blocks from Bob’s Pets in every direction, and maybe after work (if he still had a job) he’d even stop by a few places as he drove home, just to get the word further out there.

David returned to the store to see Selzer waiting for him.

Oh, shit. I’m so fired.

“David, I don’t know what made you think you could talk to me that way, but I will NOT—“

The bell above the door jingled its little death knell. David wasn’t sure if this was a blessing or if it just meant his boss was about to embarrass him in front of a complete stranger.

Selzer hesitated, but a moment later his firing-impertinent-employees face was eclipsed by his happy-to-see-a-customer-DEAR-GOD-PLEASE-BUY-SOMETHING face. David was relieved to see the change of expressions; it meant his inevitable fate and the resulting fruitless job search were postponed for a few more minutes.

Don’t let Selzer fuck this up.

Selzer was already trying to steer the woman towards the Hydra. The look on her face said retreat was imminent.

Show her the Iguacat.

David quickly went to the Iguacat’s terrarium and pulled the fuzzy lizard from its man-made habitat. He grabbed a feather on a string and began playing with the creature in full view of the woman who was now backing politely but rapidly away from the insistent salesman badgering her. She noticed David and the creature, and he gave her his best affable smile. She paused mid-retreat.

“What is that?” she asked, pointing to the thing in David’s arms.

“It’s an Iguacat,” David said with a smile. “Would you like to pet it?”

She reached out a hand and the Iguacat purred under her touch. She smiled, and unlike when she smiled at Selzer this one reached her eyes.

“It likes you,” David said. “Would you care to hold it?”

She eagerly took the creature from David’s arms and cradled it like a mother would a baby, only without any murderous intent. She even cooed at it a little.

David tried not to smirk at the expression of shock on Selzer’s face. It took a lot of effort.

David managed to sell the Iguacat, some toys, a bed, food, and even a scratching post to the lady. She parted with her money happily and David helped her carry the purchases to her car.

David returned to the store and turned his affable smile on Selzer, careful not to look like he was gloating.

“Er, um…” Selzer was lost for words. “Uh, good job, David. Keep up the great work.”

Holy fuck, he didn’t fire me.

Would I steer you wrong?

David was too happy and surprised to give Mano’s rhetorical question a second thought.